Hi, how are you coping?

TW: Suicidal ideation, eating disorders, ultra violence, racism

I do my best to write to myself for myself especially when things are mentally challenging or physically overwhelming. 

Writing helped me process my feelings when I didn't feel vulnerable enough to share my true thoughts with anyone. 

But today I'm writing directly to you, for you, because I'm concerned and I care about you. How are you coping? 

I've been hiding my feelings for so long. It's how I cope. So today I'll share more about how I've coped, because it might be the ways you've coped or have considered coping. You may see others coping in ways that disappoint you, disgust you, enrage you or hurt you. It's difficult navigating a neo-plantation where profits are prioritised over community principles. 

What is your response when you are anxious? Do you fight? Or fawn? Or do you freeze? I'm flighty and avoidant so I have removed myself, I've hid and I've ghosted. 

Alongside hiding and ghosting I get hyperactive, like all of the anxious energy is channelled through to optimization and productivity. 

Detachment and productivity are some of the ways I cope with my anxiety, my fear, my chronic illness, my worries, my blues, my anger, my disappointment, my dissatisfaction, my overthinking, my overanalyzing. 

In a world that prefers a detached and productive worker it seems promising and aspirational but some of my coping mechanisms have sent me spiralling down a hole of self-loathing, emotional self-harm and suicidal ideation. 

There are other ways I cope, for example sometimes I go by the water and dance and release the feelings that keep me up at night. 

I've used music to cope, I've even created a song to address my climate anxiety. 

I've coped with food and without food. 

I've coped with a marriage certificate and a young white American man. 

I've coped with excessive working. 

I've done recreational drugs. 

I've gone shopping for my 7 year old inner child. 

I've shouted and insulted and gossiped and sneered and snarked and judged and people pleased. 

All to help me cope. 

I've been creating and talking and crying and asking and scrolling. 

I've coped with money and sex with strangers, I've learned a new craft, I've made people the centre of my attention, I've disappeared without a word, I've gone running in snow and ran away from home. 

All to help me cope. 

I'm a watery being on a watery planet that is heating up and I'm scared. I want to cope by helping my community. I want to help other people cope. 

I'll always find the water, I'll take my pictures of sunset, I'll use my voice in pleasurable ways, I'll be mindful, considerate of the being next to me, I'll cope with caretaking and being taken care of. I will distract myself by finding ways to exist away from money. 

I have these feelings, this is my power, this is my energy. I can redirect my energy. The anger against thieving and hoarding politicians can be redirected towards food programmes, mutual aid and community collaborations. 

I can cope by doing what I can, where I am at, to make more room for the next set of watery beings to exist as they are. I hope they get to experience a dreamy and harmonious time on this planet that has been relegated to afters for us by the popular high control groups, for some strange reason. I don't want to wait till the afters until we're lit. I want harmony, free housing, freedom and love here on earth. 

Sorry, back to you. How are you coping? How have you coped? Are you judging your past self harshly for the ways you have coped?

I want you to remember that you have been subject to a paedophilic society obsessed with labels, categories, image and hierarchy. 

Our entertainment normalises graphic ultra-violence, our inherent value as sentient watery beings navigating this watery planet has been undermined by a very complex social hierarchy where our value is attached to our levels of productivity and conformity.

We have been sold an extremely fake and materialistic world. We have all been abused, traumatised and hurt multiple times by people close to us, people in institutions and people deemed higher in the social hierarchy. 

We have been burdened with spiritual leaders that worship money and we have been led astray. 

We have been brainwashed from when we were young, and so thoroughly, so consistently and creatively. 

We have been born into barbarism and ultra violence and every single person that has continuously pointed that out even if just once that we deserve better has been spiritually, economically, socially, verbally, non-verbally or mentally shut down, silenced and punished. 

We have experienced more death and disappointment than we can cope with. These feelings need to go somewhere for us, for the future beings on this planet. We need to learn how to cope together as we endure climate disruption and disaster, wars, ultra violence security forces and increased surveillance.

There are violent white supremacists trying to intimidate Dr. Ebun Joseph because that's the way they have been taught to cope, to imagine themselves as victims of African people. They cope with being betrayed by their brothers, their uncles, their cousins and fathers by scapegoating a person outspoken about injustice. They have refused to contend with the betrayal and falsehood of white supremacy. 

In what ways can we join hands to undermine and uproot the source of our pain and anxiety? How long will we distract ourselves with coping mechanisms that hurt ourselves and each other?

I'm going to send Dr. Ebun a message on social media or via email. I care about her, I'm wondering how she is coping?

How am I coping? 

• I'm re-reading this Dance's With Spirit Substack post
• I'm resting.
• I'm writing regularly. 
• I'm planning to rewatch Carole and Tuesday and listen to the soundtrack
• I've been crying. 
• I've been connecting with people that have different perspectives from me. 

And I'm doing what I can where I am at, with what I have and trying not to judge myself for it. 

I share more about coping with Mary Oyediran on Episode 20 Candid Conversations Podcast on community podcast platform NearCast.

How are you coping? Please share with me how you're coping in the comments, even if you judge the way you're coping, I'll try not to. 

Your perspective matters. It's so important and worthwhile.  

Edited by Katlego